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PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

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(2 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the  other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we  used to enjoy together.  

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in  meeting up and re-kindling a little of that “magic. “”Wow!” I said. “I don’t  know if I could keep pace with you now.  I’m a bit older and a bit balder  than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the  challenge.  

“Yeah” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a  waistline that’s a few inches wider these  days!”  She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.  She  teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still  be a great lover.  Anyway, she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” 

So I told her to fuck off.  

(2 votes, average: 1.5 out of 5)

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A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, “My baby’s going to be a boy.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The brunette says, “Because when we did it, my husband was on top.”

The red head then says, “My baby’s going to be a girl.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The red head says, “Because when we did it, I was on top.”

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, “My baby’s going to be a puppy.”

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?

They don’t know the route.

(3 votes, average: 3.33 out of 5)

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More than three hundred parrots were rescued after Belarus border patrol intercepted a man who tried to smuggle the exotic birds out of the country onboard his bike. Border guards claim they intercepted the man just outside the border of Ukraine. However, the still unidentified would-be-smuggler jumped out of his bike and fled to a nearby forest when the border guards tried stopping him.

(3 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5)

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.”OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I’m eating, doesn’t mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I’m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it’s my food….Oh alright then, just a small piece.

(4 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m sooo hungry, what can we eat?”

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, “How about some Baskin Robbins?”

(10 votes, average: 2.6 out of 5)

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1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN’T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE…WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I’M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I’M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I’M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON’T UPSET ME! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

(5 votes, average: 3.8 out of 5)

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, “OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete… how much steel…!  No. Think of another wish.”

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know what they really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

(6 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!” 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” 

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

(6 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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Q:What do a rooster and a blond have in common?
A:The rooster says “cockoldoodledoo” and the blond says,” any cock ull do”

(5 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she’s deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress’s name tag on her shirt. ”Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?”

(19 votes, average: 3.05 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

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(12 votes, average: 3.08 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”

(17 votes, average: 4.53 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”

One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s President of the United States!”

(16 votes, average: 4.06 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

(17 votes, average: 3.65 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:  “Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool, you’ve dialled the wrong extension!  Do you know who you’re talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”

The trainee shouted back:
“And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly

“Thank F**K for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone

(18 votes, average: 3.78 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man and I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were supposed to meet and be friends for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…. ”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches

(21 votes, average: 4.81 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

(12 votes, average: 2.25 out of 5)

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